Published November 15, 2007
Now you know how its like to be in my shoes.
And now I know how its like to have your world be gone.
I didnt mean to make you cry.
Now i feel numb.
I didnt mean to make you feel bad.
I cant feel anything right now.
I cut you down, like you do to me.
Now you know how I feel.
Day by day.
Fight by fight.
Now I'm sitting here, no emotion in me.
Now I know how it feels to lose your whole world.
I haven't lost you yet.
When I do, its going to be so much worse.
My fingers, are cold.
I cant feel a thing.
I cant lose you.
I'd lose my self.
I love you so much
I just want the best for you.
You want things I cant give to you.
If I could give you what you want right now, I would.
But for now.
I'm going to sit here
And be numb.
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141,380 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
It is obvious this poem came from your heart, how can you critique what comes from the heart? I liked it though, I could feel the emotion.
Hummingbird
I found alot of these phrases to be of the overused, devoid of meaning type.
"I feel numb"
What does it mean to feel numb? It's a word used so often for so many things, you can't just take it for granted anymore, especially since it's the main word of the poem.
"I cut you down"
I don't know what this means. I know that I hear people say it alot when they want to be dramatic, but there isn't really anything behind it (actually, I think it has more of a religious connotation than anything else).
"No emotion in me"
Since this is followed by the idea of losing your world, I think they should connect, somehow, but they don't. I don't see how being emotionless equates to 'losing your world', whatever that means.
These lines seem more like a tangent than an expansion of the poem. As such, I think they should be edited out. (and another phrase of ambiguous/no meaning: "I'd lose myself")
The second to last stanza seems to contradict the entire poem (the subject is numb and without emotion, yet can still express feelings for the other person, and the idea of being sorry not only victimizes him/her, but weakens the premise of the previous stanzas). This stanza is also more or less without poetic elements, and could just as easily be written in prose.
See how you can condense this, maybe, so that everything is packed into one, strong, emotional punch.
That was really good. It makes me think of a book I was recently reading titled 'New Moon'. If you're into vampire action/ romantic books I suggest that series ('New Moon' is the sequel to 'Twilight' by Stephenie Meyer) Oh, and before I get too of topic, I really liked that, I hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you guys :]]
Hm, I wouldn't really call this of poem, of sorts. I just didn't feel as though you put enough rhythm into it to make it flow like a poem should; it was more of a speech.
You need to add more imagery and fow to make the emotion stand out to the reader and make them want to read on; and also so they feel for the writer. I noticed a spelling mistake on the second line of the first stanza; "fell..." should be "feel..."
Good idea but you could make it even better,
GingerLove
this is so full of emotion, no ryming and no cliche's.
this is very good, made my heart ache for you.
kim